Dear Dominatrix...

This page is a great resource for advice on beginning in BDSM that I write but other than this there’s just my webcomic NicBuxom. The comic is meant more to be humorous and to humanize sex workers but it does seek to educate, as well. I’ve long considered writing a book but feel somewhat deterred only because every girl in the dungeon is supposedly writing a book on her experiences.

I have not yet read Fifty Shades of Gray. I have mixed feelings on whether to bother reading it or not because while I should LIKE to form my own informed opinions on the matter I have been strongly urged not to bother with it. I have read the synopsis and discussed it with girls I know (both in and out of the BDSM scene) who have read it. All I have heard makes me think it is yet another poor representation of what a healthy BDSM relationship should be. Remember the motto of our scene, “Safe, sane and consensual.” From what I hear the book Fifty Shades of Gray implies that the relationship between the characters is more akin to an abusive relationship than a loving, communicative BDSM lifestyle relationship. Also, (SPOILER ALERT) I’ve heard that the end can be summarized as one character being “cured” of his proposed bad and unhealthy interests (BDSM being a large part of that) by his love for the female lead. Again, I have not read the book personally but a number of ladies I spoke to say they feel that the subtext is that the BDSM in Fifty Shades of Gray is colored as a side-effect of the cruel and evil nature of the character. We all resent this, not to even begin to mention the idea that ones interest in BDSM is something evil to be CURED or suppressed and that ones sexual interests and proclivities should be warped or changed to somehow magically form one into a better person.

I worry that my opinions are becoming muddled now but I don’t think highly of what I’ve learned of FSoG and so am loathe to spend the time or money to consume it. Think not my judgment premature, if I am not speaking for myself then I am speaking for the OTHER Dommes appalled by the typical media representation that all those involved in BDSM are cruel, warped, violent people in unhealthy and non-consenting relationships.

I think this is something that many people in the BDSM scene struggle with in close personal relationships. I know I have experienced similar issues with my partners in the past.

It could be that the two of you need to evolve your play just as your relationship has evolved. If her fear is of hurting you then perhaps you should start off with play that doesn’t focus on pain or impact. Have her try bondage, humiliation, roleplay and sensory play. You can cause alot of fear and distress without having to actually lay a finger on a submissive just by using your attitudes and words. She could tell you all the things she’ll do to you if you don’t behave, force you to perform for her to avoid punishment and still incorporate little shows of aggression like pushing you down or pulling your hair abit.

It really all depends on what the two of you are into. There are so many roads to take in BDSM play.

Here are some activities you both may enjoy that have you submitting to her but shouldn’t make her worry about hurting you. She could tear all of your clothes off aggressively, explaining she likes her slaves naked and available and that she WILL get her way. She could force you to orally please her or pamper her in other ways (massage, body worship, bathing, cleaning, dressing up etc.) She could tie you down and do sensory play with you. This can be heightened by a blindfold and even turned into a guessing game (what toy do you think this is?) She could use ice, wax, pinwheels, toothbrushes, forks, knives, scarves, fabrics, fingernails, toothpicks and all sorts of tools that create interesting sensations on the flesh without too much pain. There’s always lighthearted torture, as well, such as tickling! She could force you to wear a chastity device or vibrator or plug or panties under your clothes for some fun public play. Especially fun if she makes you take her shopping or treat her to a nice dinner where she can taunt you about your little secret.

However, if pain is what you two are really after then you may just have to start very slowly and be VERY frank in your communication. Be sure to establish safewords and let her know about how much you want and can take, before starting play. And be sure to communicate with her DURING the play, as well. She may want to start lightly with you in order to work her way up to heavier play in the future and that’s okay. The two of you can communicate openly with how it’s going without breaking character, too, if roleplay is important. I like to ask how my submissives are doing while still maintaining my control as Mistress so instead of worriedly asking “How are you doing? Is that too much?” I’ll say tauntingly “Ooo that one looked like it hurt. Did it hurt, little boy? But I’ll bet you can take another. What do you think, hm? Can you TAKE IT?” And even if you have to say no, it’s too much, she can move on gracefully with a “Ohh, you act like I’m SO mean to you. Well, I haven’t even been that cruel, just you wait.” It’s a fun promise and a good transition into another tool or form of play.

Just reassure her that you’ll always let her know if it’s too much and remind her that you can take alot (and you enjoy it!) It couldn’t hurt to remind her of how you played when you met and tell her you long for those days. Don’t guilt her that things have changed, instead tell her how hot it makes you thinking about it and how you’d love to do it again with her to turn both you and her on.

Maybe even put her in the headspace she needs to be by surprising her when she gets home one night. Have dinner waiting for her, candles lit, toys laid out (and maybe even an outfit you know she feels empowered in) and yourself in cuffs and nothing else, kneeling obediently and tell her that you’re hers for the night, there for her pleasure and command. Undress her slowly, dress her in her Mistress outfit and serve the dinner to her, fetch her a drink or glass of wine and let her relax a little while you wait on her. This could also be a good time to discuss what she’s interested in doing to you that evening.

I hope these tips will get you back into the play you both once enjoyed or opens new doors into new activities for the two of you! Have fun!

-Dear Dominatrix

My dungeon works in the same fashion so I’ve familiarized myself quite well with this routine.

My advice would be to always remember that the moment the client is in the door you are ON. Even outside of the session you should keep up the look and the character you portray in your business when there’s a client in the room.

I know that I personally tend to act differently in my downtime around the girls. I talk more casually, in a deeper voice, with more slang. When I interact with clients I am more poised. Slightly higher pitch to my voice, no cursing (unless during roleplay) and clear-spoken.

But be mindful of more than your voice. Your body-language will mean alot to the client, as well. A girl who stomps and clomps around awkwardly in her heels is less likely to be picked than a girl who has a slow, practiced sway to her walk.

In short, the moment the client can see you you should be acting for him, showing him what he wants to see. Every client wants something different, of course, but put on a sexy (but friendly) face and show your stuff.

Also, during the meeting it doesn’t hurt to touch his hand or knee. Don’t get too fresh as he’ll think he can get free time with you or could touch YOU inappropriately but a familiar touch on the shoulder or hand could heighten the connection he feels with you.

The meeting is about negotiation so DO be sure to get out of him what he wants from the session and be sure you’re both familiar with one anothers limits. It’s important to still take care of the business side of things during this meeting but it never hurts to let him know that what he’s interested in turns you on or interests you, as well. Almost every client wants to know that you’re ALSO going to enjoy yourself in a session so if you DO like what he’s into (if not, recommend another girl who is, of course) then smile, say “mmm” and tell him you love that.

Now, you don’t want to give him a free session so don’t narrate the entire session but you could also throw out one or two teasing remarks about what you’re going to do to him. I find, if you hit upon something he likes, that this almost always seals his interest.

So, all in all, be sexy, be sensual. He hasn’t paid yet so you’re still handling business and you don’t want to get too fresh but give him a teensy, tiny taste of what it’s going to be like to play with you!

And, of course, have fun and be yourself. Being happy and genuine will win you more clients than being stiff or disinterested.

Happy spankings!

-Dear Dominatrix

There are a good number of dungeons in the LA and OC area. Some of them employ girls to work during the week, some are by request and appointment only, some just have girls to work the weekend parties and some only rent their space out for sessions, choosing not to employ anyone directly or have them available for “walk-ins.”

Everyone has a different favorite based on their location, social group and personal preferences. All of the owners have their own rules and ways of dealing with their employees and their clientele. I can’t tell you which would work best for you but here is a list of some of the larger and more notable dungeons in the Southern California area that I myself am personally familiar with:

*Sanctuary LAX

*Sanctuary SFV

*The Dominion

*Threshold

*IronGate Studios

*The Lair De Sade

You can contact the owners for rates, rules and employment opportunities and of course you can always attend parties or go for private tours of the facilities to find what works best for your needs. I hope you find one you like!

Thank you, Chahiro!

Well, It sounds like you haven’t even had a chance to explore the lifestyle yet and, honestly, I would recommend starting there over starting in the pro-scene or a dungeon. Working BDSM as a professional means having to play and deal with alot of very pushy people who you may not even like. I’ve seen too many inexperienced girls try BDSM in the dungeon for the first time only to leave in tears.

So, here’s my recommendation.

I got started, initially, by playing with friends. If you don’t associate with anyone who is interested in BDSM or are too shy to breach the subject with partners and friends then you could go straight to the next thing that really broadened my kinky horizons when I was just a wee lass…

The internet!

Obviously take care when talking to or meeting strangers but the internet is a great tool for learning and for meeting people interested in the same things as you. There are many wonderful free resources and communities to start with, too. I HIGHLY recommend Fetlife. It’s been a very caring and supportive community and is a good place to meet new friends and discuss your interests with people who share them or are more experienced. Plus, you can learn about meet-ups and munches in your area!

There are other free kinky social media sites such as Collarme.com and KinkArena but I find the first to be 50% assholes and the second somewhat more cliquish, not a great starting place for someone new to the scene. Still, they are available and work well for some! Try all three (or discover more!) and see what works for you.

A work of caution, however. Too often young ladies who are new to the scene get sucked into abusive relationships by the first Dom who can pick them up. Please do not be so over-eager to get started that you throw yourself upon the mercy of just anyone. Remember, ANYONE can call themselves a “Dom” and plenty of people who have no business doing so do. Don’t fall for fancy phrases or claims of their time spent in the scene. Get to know someone before you play with them and in the community it’s not rude to ask for references. Anyone who’s quick to discourage open communication and questions from you should be avoided!!!

If you do find someone you’re interested in exploring with (hopefully after at LEAST one vanilla neutral meeting just to talk and get to know one another) make sure that YOU get what you want out of the play. None of that “whatever you want” stuff. Be very clear about what you’re interested in. Be EXTRA clear about what you’re NOT interested in. Let the person know you may not want your limits pushed early on but you might be open to it in the future once they’ve gained your trust. Negotiations are ESSENTIAL and play without them is not safe. Everyone should be clear about what is and is not going to happen in the scene. Establish safewords!!! And don’t be proud, USE THEM.

Obviously people who have played together awhile and know one another can often play without negotiations, because there’s a familiarity and they each KNOW one anothers limits and interests already. Just my little disclaimer. A new partner should never have to GUESS at what is and is not okay. Tell them. And listen to and respect their limits as well.

Forgive me if that turned into a lecture, I just so hope that anyone starting out in the scene is going to have a good, fun time and not have to learn hard lessons the dangerous way. I made my own mistakes when I was starting out and so I hope others can learn from them.

Be smart, make friends, explore and have a great time!

Oh, and PS, BDSM and Fetish play does NOT have to result in sex! Feel free to stick to just the kink and be upfront about how far you are and are not willing to go! :)

<3 Dear Dominatrix

The BDSM community tends to be much more accepting of bodies that differ from what the perceived societal norm of “sexy” is.

I find that the lifestyle is especially forgiving of differing body types, especially heavier women. However, the pro side of things is still a business and, more relevantly, still the sex industry. Because of that there is still a fantasy figure that many men (and employers) are looking to see in the employed women.

When I started working in a dungeon I actually had to fight a little bit to convince the boss to hire me. He had a strict line about heavier women and I ended up being one of the heaviest girls working at that time. We now have new (female) employers who hire women of all sizes and shapes and it’s a welcome change but I know many dungeons in the area still discriminate against women of size.

What many people fail to recognize is that clients interests and fetishes are very broad and there’s a huge market for heavier women. Besides just the aesthetic of our size, we larger women are also highly desired for activities such as smothering, wrestling, trampling and other activities involving using our weight and full bodies.

In my experience the dungeon has always been a very body positive environment amongst the girls. Sure, in a pack of women there are some gripes about their bodies but mostly we’re very supportive of one another and very accepting of women from all walks of life (and in all shapes, sizes and colors.)

The clients can be another issue. Absolutely the tall, thin, blonde girls will get picked out of a line-up more often, even if they’re not as experienced in the play a client is looking for. Societal depictions of beauty still follow us into the dungeon and the barbie-doll look is still highly sought after. Often our clients are looking to replicate a very distinct fantasy, one they indulge in repeatedly via porn staring actresses with a very certain look, and so the girls they’re interested in are reflections of that.

However, in my experience most men are fairly kind about their disinterest. Every once in awhile you get a rude fellow but that is the case in all businesses and at least in mine we’re allowed to tell the assholes to go fuck themselves.

On the positive end are the clients who love curvy women. This makes up a huge portion of my personal clientele and they’re wonderful play partners to have, repeating earnestly how beautiful I am and begging me to not ever change. I admit I get far more ego boosts than I do negative blows to my esteem.

So, all in all, I think the BDSM community, lifestyle and professional, are very accepting of all body types, heavier women included. There’s always going to be some struggle for size acceptance anywhere you go but the BDSMers are a likely group to welcome you with open arms, regardless of your weight. In an industry like this one it’s always about finding your niche!

This is a good question, since I know I advise people to know what they’re doing before applying but have not, as of yet, explained how to learn BEFORE joining a dungeon.

As I’ve said before there’s always the route of starting in a dungeon as a submissive and learning from the girls there over time.

But if working as a submissive is not appealing then you’ll have to learn your stuff BEFORE you apply for a pro-house.

Most of the girls who apply and know what they’re doing (myself included) have just learned via our involvement in the lifestyle. I personally learned by starting out as a submissive in the lifestyle. This gave me a unique perspective from the bottom side of things. From there I was able to learn with the Dominants I had befriended and associated with.

If you don’t have the luxury of a social group to learn from you could always go out and find one! Even small towns often have small communities that meet up for munches and play parties. Getting involved in the scene is a good way to find willing and experienced teachers for free.

Another option is to look up workshops in your area. This is a better option than just throwing yourself into the lifestyle because not everyone in the lifestyle always knows what they’re doing and everyone has a different style of play. I know that in LA certain venues (such as JTs Stockroom and The Pleasure Chest) will hold classes and workshops for people looking to learn different aspects of the scene. They can range anywhere from sex and relationship advice to technical teachings of the tools.

One final option would be to look up another Professional Dominatrix in your area. Often Pros will offer to take people under their wing or to tutor and teach. The downside to this is that they may expect some submission from you (depending on the person) AND they may expect payment for their time.

I’m sure you can also find techniques online but no matter what make sure you practice, practice, practice. Getting the fluid movements down will take a little time and you’ll be a better and safer player if you practice. You don’t even have to have another person to practice on. As an example; you can make marks on a wall or chair to practice placement and avoid danger areas with throwing tools like floggers.

Also, don’t lie and pretend you know how to use a tool you aren’t familiar with. Not every Domme specializes in every tool. I, for one, am not very good with a single-tail. I can hit a target half the time but I wouldn’t use it on a client and I’d rather own up to that and show that I shine with other tools than lie and fumble through a test where I’m being judged.

I suggest you learn how to safely use a flogger, paddle, basic rope bondage, cane, and hand-spanking. These are good essentials to start off with. And I don’t just mean learn to smack someone, learn where NOT to hit, to give a warm-up, to give rubs, to be firm but not heavy handed etc. Safety measures are just important as technique.

Hopefully one of these options will work out for you! Good luck and play safe!

I needed to give a few days of deep thought to this question and it is still a very difficult one for me to advise on but I will do my best as it’s something I really want to have an answer for.

Firstly, it breaks my heart that this ever even happens but it is a reality to engaging in what society looks at as “deviant behavior.” It’s hard to advise you on how to change YOUR behavior when it’s really society that needs to change its way of thinking. Sexuality, in general, is very hush-hush in our communities. I think talking about sexuality is healthy but most people are very uncomfortable even thinking about it, ESPECIALLY if it swings far from the old standard of missionary between a man and woman. But, puritanical values are hard to fight as a whole so we must change people’s way of thinking one at a time.

The best thing we can do to start a change is to educate. That’s part of why I engage in public forum discussions of BDSM and sexuality such as this blog.

As for my personal advice for your problem; In my mind there are two ways you can approach this problem to avoid it happening again in the future.

One is to not tell people. Not out of shame or guilt but if this is something purely sexual for you then it’s really no one’s business what you engage in in your bedroom. Roommates don’t always NEED to know these things.

However, I understand wanting to be able to be completely honest with people. I, personally, am upfront about what I do for a living and my family and friends all know. I think I have a leg-up on my approach to telling people, however, because for me it’s also a business. I think people are more understanding because they consider it something I just do to get by and often try not to think about the fact that I engage in the same stuff in the bedroom.

So, my advice on your alternate option to silence is this; If you must tell people about your interest in BDSM then be sure to humanize yourself. Remind them that you’re the same person they’ve always known, that you haven’t changed. Remind them that you’re still the person who likes to have dinner with them, go to the beach and amusement parks and other normal fun things. Help them to realize this isn’t some thing always lurking in you behind the scenes, that it’s not always on your mind. BDSM is just one activity you enjoy participating in from time to time. It doesn’t define you and it DOES NOT change your relationship with your friend. In fact, it really doesn’t affect them at all if they’re not engaged with you as a sex or play partner. They don’t need to witness it or engage in it.

And remind them that you tell them this because you trust them as a friend and you know they accept you for who you are and you want to be able to be completely honest around them, about yourself and everything. This could help them to feel special, confided in and more likely to be understanding.

You may also wish to reassure them that you’re not hurting yourself or others. Many people equate BDSM with violence and it’s a good thing to distinguish it from uncontrolled brutality (as it is too often shown in the media.) Try explaining that there are many facets to the play that are often sensual (such as tickling, foot worship etc.)

You could also explain, if you want to be very personal in the discussion, that it helps you experience a release. I think that most people that engage in BDSM do it for the release of serotonin and other feel-good chemicals in the brain and body. Many people also use it as a release of pent up negative feelings, such as a way to vent and cry and feel emotion in a scenario where it’s okay to be vulnerable and someone trusted is nearby to guide you through those feelings and to comfort you afterwards.

And pain is often looked on as acceptable in many other normal activities. Everyone has heard “no pain, no gain.” Exercising until it hurts is all but admired! Pain, when it’s not doing damage, can be a very powerful therapy to the body AND mind.

If the person your speaking with does become aggressive and negative with their opinions be sure to counter them calmly and rationally. If they say things like you mentioned about how you could be “cured” then remind them that it’s not a sickness. BDSM play is calm and controlled. The motto of the scene is “safe, sane and consensual.” Negotiations before a scene are there for a reason, because this is play guided by trust and becomes all about reading one anothers body language. It is actually very intimate even in the most heavy play.

By always remaining calm and rational in the discussion and not allowing yourself to become emotional you hold the upper hand and show your seriousness and knowledge in the matter.

That is my best advice and thoughts on how to change your future approaches on the subject of BDSM. But I also would like to address your current living situation. I think you should ask your roommate to have dinner with you at home some night soon. Sit down in a private, neutral area (a common area) so that you may talk frankly but also so either of you could leave if the conversation becomes toxic.

I know this will be extra hard since there is already tension between the two of you but get him to commit to sit down and talk with you. I suggest dinner because it presents the situation as more friendly than just a “we need to talk” which can sound like the set-up to a lecture. Besides, there is some merit to the proverbial “breaking of bread” in that negotiations and socializing have been done over food for a long, long time. Something about sharing a meal draws two people closer and extends a mood of peace.

So, maybe make him dinner or order something in or even just make tea or coffee and sit him down with you. Come at him with an air of apology first to put him in a receptive mood. Explain that you don’t like the way the last conversation went and you want to mend it with some frank discussion. Tell him first (like I mentioned earlier) that you brought it up because you wanted to confide in him and trust him as a friend and want to feel you can share anything together. Then let him know that you’d like to answer any questions he has on the subject and to clear the air about any confusion and let him have the floor. He may come off as frustrated and angry first but let him speak and wait your turn. Let him know you understand if he feels confused or conflicted and it’s okay that you both had strong reactions due to the surprise but that you want him to see that you’re still the same person you always were, you’re still his friend and that it would mean the world to you if he could accept this facet of you but that if he doesn’t want to discuss it after this that’s okay.

I hope this helps, truly. Best of luck and I’d love to hear back, privately or otherwise, on how this all goes for you. Thank you for sharing your problem, I’m sure you being brave enough to voice it has helped many other people in your same position. Good luck with everything.

Keep calm, keep kinky.

<3 Dear Dominatrix

Here’s the deal…

Every single one of us is different.

We’re real people just like you or the person who sits next to you on the bus or the person who’s checking your groceries in the store or the person taking notes in class next to you. We’re real people and we’re all different.

So, speaking as to what we look for in a relationship is near impossible. I can speak for myself but that wouldn’t cover how the many ladies sitting in the room with me right now feel.

In fact, I’ve MET many of my coworkers partners and they’re all different. One is a short skinny black man, one is a chubby, bald bearded white fellow, one is and older guy with kids, one is younger with a mohawk and British accent…

They’re all terribly different. And all of them are very much adored by their Dominatrix lovers.

I can’t speak for my coworkers. I CAN, however, speak for myself.

I like a mostly vanilla guy with some mild kinks. I don’t want someone completely closed off to the idea of what I do but I also don’t want the fetishist who can only get off one way every time. I like a switch so that we can change things up in bed. I want him or her to accept my business but not expect me to come home and tie him/her up every single night after work.

And I want someone who works well with me. My partner should like cooking, eating, singing, dancing, traveling, camping, haircuts, change, color, animals, flowers, surprises, cartoons and reading.

I’m lucky I found a fellow that’s perfect for me. He was a little on the vanilla side but he’s coming around slowly and he does have his own kinks.

However, I can tell you, not all girls want a vanilla guy. One of my coworkers just got married to a man who was once her client… And a client of many of the other girls here, too!

So, really. I don’t know what a Pro-Domme wants in a man. You can always ask us, though. :)